How to be punk [the definitive guide]

Skate Punk

This one will show you how to be a real sk8punk!!!!! Finally! Aren't you sick of skateboarding with just your normal clothes on? Haven't you wondered what bands you're SUPPOSED to listen to when your sk8ing?? Well wonder no more, the long-awaited answer is finally here!

Basics

If you want to be a skate punk, it's not very hard. First and foremost, you HAVE to dye your hair black. Short black hair is really punk, so just do it. Everyone will see your black hair and wonder how you got so punk (hehe but you won't have to tell them it's all in the black hair dye). Next, it might help to get a skateboard. Make sure you suck up to the local skaters who are better than you. Skateboarding is about social status, and you climb the social ladder by sucking up to people who can sk8 better than you. As you'll see later, most of being a skate punk is supporting large corporations...buying sk8 shirts, getting studded belts, dickies, etc. As with most forms of punk, supporting huge corporations is involved. There is nothing wrong with this. Corporations are good, commercialism is normal!! Now, back to our lesson. One of the BEST places in the world to get your sk8 punk clothing is at PAC SUN!! They have everything there ranging from studded belts to flip-flops to Independent sweatshirts...it's amazing. Be sure never to shop at local skateboard shops, shop at the corporate ones. The corporate ones got to where they are by being really REALLY good stores with good products, and the local sk8 shops are still local because they suck and their merchandise is shit.

Clothing

Shoes

You HAVE to have $80 skateboarding shoes, or you're a cheap poser with no money.

Pants

Make sure you wear tight pants...but no! Not just any tight pants! Yep you guessed it...you HAVE to wear dickies! Dickies are fucking punk as fucking fuck, so you have to skateboard in your dickies.

Shirt

You have to wear shirts with well-known skateboarding logos on them...element, DCShoeCoUSA, BAM, Hurley, etc. The options are endless. If you don't have a skateboard logo shirt, then either go out and buy a few or don't even bother wearing a shirt. If you don't wear a shirt, make sure you have short black hair, or you will get made fun of for being a poser.

Hat

Wear a corporate skateboarding logo hat...same as the shirt.

Hair

Like I said...short black hair. If it's naturally black, bleach it. Then dye it black again to show your commitment. People will be amazed at how punk you are.

Belts

Wear a studded belt!! This is 100% mandatory, or you are a total poser.

Wrist sweat bands

You have to wear these too. They are so you don't get sweat on your wrists, and everyone knows how hard it is to sk8 with sweat on your wrists.

All this can get pretty expensive, especially with the hair dye, so be sure to be extra nice to your parents for a week or so, so they give you money for a PacSun shopping spree.

Music

This one is easy. You have to constantly talk about how cool Pennywise and NoFx are. Millencolin is good too. Go out and buy a boombox. Bring it to the local sk8 (cool way to spell skate) park and listen to some Millencolin. Everyone there will want to perform oral sex on you after they realize how punk you are. Avril is cool too, make sure you talk about how hot Avril is. Quote "Sk8er Boi" every chance you get.

Posers

Posers are annoying losers. Posers are people who have mohawks or long hair and they don't wear dickies but they think they're skate punks. They wear torn, tattered clothes and CHEAP skate shoes, and most of them don't even have black hair!!!! There was a huge wave of them all throughout the 80's in southern California, but luckily now that MTV is a lot more "influential", there are more sk8 punks than these "aggressive" losers. Posers have a different skate style than real punks. Instead of copying the pros like everyone else, they usually have a very aggressive style with tricks that are too stupid for me to even mention. Stay far away from aggressive skateboarding. Stick to kickflipping 2-sets and hardflipping cracks in the sidewalk.

How to spot a real sk8 punk

Basically, if anybody looks like one of the following, you can safely assume that they sk8 like the real punks.

  • Avril is SOO HOT Wow! Here she is! It's Avril Lavigne! She's obviously doing her pre-sk8 stretches. Wow, she's amazing. Note the wrist sweat band. Always worship Avril. Be sure to request her CD's at PacSun.
  • Hardcore skate punk band Millencolin It's Millencolin! Now they are sk8 punk. Remember to listen to them in your new boombox you bring to the sk8 park. Dress like them. Eat what they do. Get a Millencolin shirt and wear it under your Independent shirt.
  • NoFx Holy shit OMFG it's NoFx. They are really punk. Notice that one of them has an anti-bush shirt. That's really cool. Being anti-stuff is cool, being pro stuff is gay. You should bitch and whine about Bush whenever you can since it does everyone a lot of good (and because liberalism is REALLY punk). Notice the same guy has a studded belt AND a wrist sweatband!!!!!! Any more punk and he could be a member of the band NoFx...oh wait! He IS a member of NoFx! What'd I tell you?
  • Pennywise and pound foolish Now that's what I'm talking about! Notice the Independent shirt and all the corporate skate gear! Being a corporate puppet is what skateboarding is ALLLL about! Redoing oldies with heavy guitar and scratchy vocals is punk. Be sure to copy these guys and quote their music all the time. Write them fan mail saying you wish you could sk8 as good as them. Buy a Pennywise poster and put it on your wall. Then tell all your sk8 punk friends about your cool new poster.

How to spot a POSER

Ha! Ever see someone skateboarding and think to yourself "hmm...something about them just doesn't seem right"? It's probably because they are a total poser, and you don't know this yet since you hadn't been to my website before! There's still hope for you. Next time you see anyone like the following, be sure to yell "POSER!!" at them. Then prepare to get the shit beaten out of you. Ha ha...Just kidding...

  • Some real skate rockers (JFA) This is a record cover for the band JFA (they didn't even have CD's back then!!). "Jodie Foster's Army" is a total poser skate band that never made it big and corporate because THEY SUCK!! The reason bands don't get major record labels is because their music sucks (and they can't skate for crap). It has nothing to do with "selling out"...pfff. That's just a term posers made up to make themselves feel better. Don't listen to them. How are you supposed to make tons of money making music if you don't have a major record label? Uhh yeah it makes sense if you ignore the whole logic thing...
  • Stupids Here's the stupids! I really can't disagree with them on their name...they really are stupids. They think they're sk8 punks but I bet they don't even know who Avril is...especially since Avril came about 15 years after these guys, but that's not really a good enough excuse. These guys are idiots and their music sucks. Stay away from the stupids.
  • Fartz Here's the Fartz...probably named after the way they smell! HAHAHA!! The Fartz never made it big, kind of like the Stupids. These guys we're such posers that Dickies actually banned them from wearing their clothes. That guy in the middle is probably like "Ohh man I can't believe we can't wear Dickies anymore!"

There are much more bands than these...MDC, The Faction, Stalag13, D.I., 7 Seconds, The Snobs, etc. Don't listen to these bands! If you hear people talking about these bands, make sure you butt into the conversation and say "Pennywise is better" or "Yeah, I heard they don't even have major record labels!" This will give you sk8 punk points. Make sure you try to get lots of these points since the more you get, the higher your social status.

Conclusion

That's how to be a skate punk. Not much to it. Stay away from stupid 80's "skate punk" bands and stick to your MTV-approved sk8 bands. Wear Dickies, support large skateboarding corporations every chance you get. That's what it's all about!

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